Monday, April 27, 2009

Chasing butterflies, aren't we all?

Long before, as they may call ancient history, I have been happy being alone, free and unattached. Never did I imagined that I will try to denounce my declaration of independence and slid under a two-way autonomy they may call as relationship. Yah, I did. But what I forgot was to imagine that they never last until eternity. At least not in my so-called 'life'.

And I never have seen it coming. Because I was blinded by dreams so beautiful that i prohibit myself from waking up. So blind that the rays of brightest sun cannot penetrate the corners of my eyes. But I never regretted following my heart in any way. It’s just that I gave too much, but was given back too little. And too late, I never reclaimed what was truly mine. Until I broke away and found solitude in singularity again.

I have a bad feeling because I was nearly independent to the bosoms of that relationship. To what we call intimacy, I gave everything and never felt fear of losing myself in the process of giving. I guess I just truly love when I know I’d be loved back truly. Seriously, I’m beginning to pick up the pieces that were shattered as we bid each other goodbye.

I know I’m not doing well this time. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not that too pessimistic about life. Maybe someday, as frens would belt up, someone will love me the way I wanted someone to need me. Maybe someday, someone will take that empty slot. And who knows, God will send her soon. Or maybe, she's there but wasn’t just recognized by my sight. True enough, I’m here but maybe I wasn’t just recognized. It’s either of the two now.

I’ll never be the same me. Never the same before that relationship. Never the same after the break-up. And never will be the same after I recover. It dawned to me that she was right. There’s always a purpose for everything, be it a blessing or a curse. And yet, these blessings and curses have two faces of perspectives to view from. What’s nice is that we can see everything in the good light and consider them as agents for the better. Maybe, I’d be better this time.

Yup, I easily break down and gave in to tears. Yup, I haven’t moved on even a slightest bit. And yup, maybe I’ll never get to move forward again. Or maybe I can fly the limits of the sky, up away. Now I’m coping and beating the odds.

I think the best way to get even is to recover. The best way to recover is to let go of any expectations. Just hoping that I'm lucky enough to do that. And maybe, just maybe, I'm lucky enough to bounce back...even higher this time insyallah :)

God, grant me the serenity to accept things i can't change, courage to change the things i can and wisdom to know the difference.


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Jiji said...

ko neh okeh?

aku nak makan ABC!


mediocre sadist said...

aku rasa macam baca novel judith mcnaught plak.

arkhaios said...

deep bai deep..los mmbacanyer..btol neh..aku los..aku katmana skrg?

nodadosa said...

jiji : ok je *sambil hulur Buku Mewarna ABC utk Anis :p

sarah : memang gua copy paste

arkhaios : lu err, hrm, redlight? :p